Numb

Sometimes when you have depression, it seems like the constant pain and aching of your soul is the worst possible thing to feel. Which would make sense, because it's rare for someone to want to be a mess of emotions-- especially when the vast majority of these emotions are negative. But recently I found out that that's only the case if you don't know how it feels to be completely, and I mean completely, numb.

Numbness is far worse than hurting. Hurting isn't easy, by any means, but it at least reminds you that you are still able to feel. Going numb immediately brings the fear that you might not ever be able to feel again-- that those happy feelings are irrevocably gone forever.

At the very least, when you're constantly in a state of hurting, every once in a while there's a glimmering situation that makes everything seem possible-- and not everything is an abyss of suck. Because that glimmer in the distance is the reason to keep going.

The blog Hyperbole and a Half is easily the most influencial piece of work that encouraged me to start blogging. This is a blog I heard of last summer, before any of my depression started, and it really stuck with me. I didn't read the blog until one day in January sitting in my cabin, and I can't even begin to explain how much her words resonated with me, and I find myself comparing a lot of what I'm going through to what she has blogged about-- most of that being from her Depression Part II post.

I often think of the way that she looks at the concept of being numb, and how it's incredibly freeing. I entirely respect her view on this, but I've come to the point where I cherish all feelings because those good feelings are what we have to live for. Furthermore, numbness is incredibly frusting when other people are doing everything they can think of to make you happy, and all you can do is sit, and not want to participate in anything. It's nothing personal to other people's efforts, it's just indifference to absolutely everything. This is maybe the worst part, because it's impossible to not get frustrated with your depressed, ungrateful, numb self.
Numbess leads to a lot of self loathing, which is something else in Hyperbole and a Half that I think a lot about. I like how Allie explains self loathing in her blog with her little drawings. Mostly I just reach this point when I feel like I can't even pretend to apprecaite other peoples actions for me.
The last part of Allie's blog that really sticks with me is her "pea" moment. Over the last 5 months I've had one of these moments, but she's not kidding, these "Aha" moments really do a lot. I was standing in the dining hall talking to one of my co-workers about how I was considering quitting my job due to my inability to find any joy or purpose in where I was at. I had told her I needed to quit, and right as I sat down at one of 13 tables in the hall to eat, I found I had seated myself at the spot with the "special" knife-- and began sobbing and laughing all at the same time. I couldn't quit my job when I had just beat odds 1 to 130. It's such a small coincidence, but it was like that knife had showed up just at the right time in my life and changed my perspective on everything.

Since that night I have come to the conclusion that we get exactly what we need right when we reach our breaking point. In the same way that the special knife showed up just when I needed it most, I think that a lot of the people in my life have shown up the same way. I truly am blessed by the people that God has placed in my life, and I pray everyday that I can show them the gratitude they deserve.

I guess really what I've learned most from the marginal amount of numbness I've experienced recently is that pain will be temporary.